Sometimes you have to admit what you don't want to

    There are special days when your best is just not good enough, you put your heart, you wait, you try and at the end of the day it is not enough and so you feel like you are not good enough.
   I walked the streets, saw the twinkling lights and thought that we are surrounded by beauty  and returned so hopeful only to get back down.
   I recently tried to entrust a person with my heart and they say all the right things and their actions are the opus it so I wait and feel sad and yet is it my problem or theirs??????

Let's be brave

 I am reading back and thinking what a cool way to live your life, brave in many ways and yet I always seem to forget the panic and the wondering that come associated. Why is it that every time I do a little something, taking a steep into the wide craziness of life,  take a new chance, risk I feel stupid, I feel scared and although I know I will not regret it a month from now right now I am a little panicy and mad at my self.

 I feel in all my relations and human interactions I am the one that takes the risks. I am getting old and a little tired of always being me the scared one.

I think that is all i had for today, where is the courage of opinion good or bad...

WHAT IF???

               

We all have our secret stories that we duel upon, that we think that scared us for life.  A bad break up, family events, some disaster that we survived, all of this, we put them into our I am so strong box.

 I always fear the sad times,  fear depression as  a possibility  of not getting my cheerful self back; but as I grow older and the ups and downs keep happening, I start to fear less and maybe try more. Our experiences make us who we are, the chances, the dreams, the challenges we face, they all either make us or break us.

 When I was 16 I was listening to this old woman reminiscing all the things she wished she would have done and I couldn’t help a tear for her. As I was listening carefully I made a promise to myself, never to allow room in my life for the question “what if”.

After every failed job, terribly heart breaking relationship, unachieved dream I go back and cry a little, go back on my old fears. I wonder why I don’t play safe and stay in a world I can control, have human interaction with a minimum feeling factor to them,  or decide to live in one place.  I get caught up in a dream of safety, easiness , reliable, or approved by society and the people in our life and for a spit second I want that, I want the peace and quiet.

 But then I breathe deeply, look at the water (I do live on a ship), look at the reflection of the sun, enjoy a good cocktail and then remember why I never miss on anything I want to do. I remember the laughs and the rush, the butterflies in the stomach, the look in a new affair’s eyes, the squeaking of the tires on a Jumbo Jet, a beach that you see in the post cards, a job that makes you feel happy and then I know why I don’t go for safe…it’s because I never let myself wonder “what if?”. I let every experience change me so that I am sure I don’t regret anything.

About the color of friendship

 

                I want to write again because a person I meet for a week in my life more than a year ago remind me of the comfort I always found in the process. I may not be a great writer, I have many spelling mistakes but yet the idea of me and the paper brings me a little peace and comfort. So to give credit where credit is due, Everett thank you for the idea...

So to start of with a little recap:

a)      I have been working on a cruise ship for the last 3 years, 6 month on – 2 months of.

b)      I am single – I am not sure if that is definitory for someone’s life status

c)       I am getting a little lost on my way to life

Lately I have been feeling like I am an a room full of people, a room of  people and I scream as hard as I can and they all laugh but not at me, nope they just carry on with their little life and don’t stop. I am not sure how to change that.

This morning the guy that was working on my air conditioning was explaining to me what great  friend my roommate is to him. My roommate hardly speaks English and needs explication while watching FRIENDS. The guy speaks English but the words have different meaning, the AC switch to him was the bathroom light switch and as hard as I tried I could not explain to him witch switch was broken using spoken words, maybe kinglon would be a better choice. AND YET they both claimed to be good friends.

I got to thinking then what defines a friend? Is it the great conversation, them holding your hand when you need to, listening even if they don’t necessary understand, sharing your passions, knowing you as well as you know yourself or even better, knowing your deepest fears and trying to protect you???? What is the recipe.

In the last months I hear from various people ( without being modest) that “ a friend like you comes only once in a life time”; “ you are an amazing friend I will never let you go”; ÿou are my best of friend” etc, etc, etc and yet none of this people are in my life now, it took a few months to go from that to here.

In our ever faster moving world – I think relationships have also started to fast forward to their usual course, we don’t take the time to form connections, to get to know someone, it takes just a few laughs and maybe a drink or two and that is it – instant friends. But this friendship put to the test of a real conversation, an honest opinion, a talk that is not comfortable breaks just like a rain drop touching the Earth.

I am tired of this useless ties, false artificial friendship, to me a friend is a soul mate, they are like family we get to choose …