How bad is it to miss the past?

The past belongs in the past people often say. How about if the past brings you happiness, joy, a feeling of great achievement and adventures. Does that automatically mean that you are not enjoying the present?
I often find my self flipping trough old pictures, notes, maybe cards even and reminiscing. Is this an old lady habit? No it can't be I am just 33 but yet I miss maybe the younger me. The care free Cata, the one that danced and talked until 5 AM and then woke up at 7 AM still thinking of the stimulating conversation from a few hours ago.

I feel that when you become a mom (yes, I am one now) you are suppose to forget a part of yourself. First of all you lose time, there is no way to have any free time but you also lose part of that spontaneity and all of a sudden you are expected - to give up anything that made you who you are . I miss traveling so much. It was so much part of my life for so many years, I feel like a fish out of water that gets a little water poured every now and then, enough to keep breathing but not to actually swim.

Sometimes you have to admit what you don't want to

    There are special days when your best is just not good enough, you put your heart, you wait, you try and at the end of the day it is not enough and so you feel like you are not good enough.
   I walked the streets, saw the twinkling lights and thought that we are surrounded by beauty  and returned so hopeful only to get back down.
   I recently tried to entrust a person with my heart and they say all the right things and their actions are the opus it so I wait and feel sad and yet is it my problem or theirs??????

Let's be brave

 I am reading back and thinking what a cool way to live your life, brave in many ways and yet I always seem to forget the panic and the wondering that come associated. Why is it that every time I do a little something, taking a steep into the wide craziness of life,  take a new chance, risk I feel stupid, I feel scared and although I know I will not regret it a month from now right now I am a little panicy and mad at my self.

 I feel in all my relations and human interactions I am the one that takes the risks. I am getting old and a little tired of always being me the scared one.

I think that is all i had for today, where is the courage of opinion good or bad...

WHAT IF???

               

We all have our secret stories that we duel upon, that we think that scared us for life.  A bad break up, family events, some disaster that we survived, all of this, we put them into our I am so strong box.

 I always fear the sad times,  fear depression as  a possibility  of not getting my cheerful self back; but as I grow older and the ups and downs keep happening, I start to fear less and maybe try more. Our experiences make us who we are, the chances, the dreams, the challenges we face, they all either make us or break us.

 When I was 16 I was listening to this old woman reminiscing all the things she wished she would have done and I couldn’t help a tear for her. As I was listening carefully I made a promise to myself, never to allow room in my life for the question “what if”.

After every failed job, terribly heart breaking relationship, unachieved dream I go back and cry a little, go back on my old fears. I wonder why I don’t play safe and stay in a world I can control, have human interaction with a minimum feeling factor to them,  or decide to live in one place.  I get caught up in a dream of safety, easiness , reliable, or approved by society and the people in our life and for a spit second I want that, I want the peace and quiet.

 But then I breathe deeply, look at the water (I do live on a ship), look at the reflection of the sun, enjoy a good cocktail and then remember why I never miss on anything I want to do. I remember the laughs and the rush, the butterflies in the stomach, the look in a new affair’s eyes, the squeaking of the tires on a Jumbo Jet, a beach that you see in the post cards, a job that makes you feel happy and then I know why I don’t go for safe…it’s because I never let myself wonder “what if?”. I let every experience change me so that I am sure I don’t regret anything.

About the color of friendship

 

                I want to write again because a person I meet for a week in my life more than a year ago remind me of the comfort I always found in the process. I may not be a great writer, I have many spelling mistakes but yet the idea of me and the paper brings me a little peace and comfort. So to give credit where credit is due, Everett thank you for the idea...

So to start of with a little recap:

a)      I have been working on a cruise ship for the last 3 years, 6 month on – 2 months of.

b)      I am single – I am not sure if that is definitory for someone’s life status

c)       I am getting a little lost on my way to life

Lately I have been feeling like I am an a room full of people, a room of  people and I scream as hard as I can and they all laugh but not at me, nope they just carry on with their little life and don’t stop. I am not sure how to change that.

This morning the guy that was working on my air conditioning was explaining to me what great  friend my roommate is to him. My roommate hardly speaks English and needs explication while watching FRIENDS. The guy speaks English but the words have different meaning, the AC switch to him was the bathroom light switch and as hard as I tried I could not explain to him witch switch was broken using spoken words, maybe kinglon would be a better choice. AND YET they both claimed to be good friends.

I got to thinking then what defines a friend? Is it the great conversation, them holding your hand when you need to, listening even if they don’t necessary understand, sharing your passions, knowing you as well as you know yourself or even better, knowing your deepest fears and trying to protect you???? What is the recipe.

In the last months I hear from various people ( without being modest) that “ a friend like you comes only once in a life time”; “ you are an amazing friend I will never let you go”; ÿou are my best of friend” etc, etc, etc and yet none of this people are in my life now, it took a few months to go from that to here.

In our ever faster moving world – I think relationships have also started to fast forward to their usual course, we don’t take the time to form connections, to get to know someone, it takes just a few laughs and maybe a drink or two and that is it – instant friends. But this friendship put to the test of a real conversation, an honest opinion, a talk that is not comfortable breaks just like a rain drop touching the Earth.

I am tired of this useless ties, false artificial friendship, to me a friend is a soul mate, they are like family we get to choose …

               

Once upon a time

There was a magical time when I was just a Kidd and believed that I can concur the hole world . I believed that invisible friends are real, that I can sing better the Celine Dion, that I am a princess and Charming will come my way to rescue me from the big, bad world.
Then I grew up and learned that the world is Charming in it self, and I don't have to wait for a rescuer, I can be independent in this strange enchanted world full of so much beauty in it, that a life time seams to short for me to discover it. So here I go , walking small streets in cities I never heard before, like Tromso, or NyAlessund, feeling for the first time in my life at peace again. For the first time I didn’t feel I needed a guy by my side to feel that I can concur the world, I had the strength to do it on my own. And so the little princes tiered of waiting for a prince left.
I took this trip so I don’t lose my self and I ended up finding my self. From the scared sad little girl I managed to find this person with a direction in life. I always though that if I find someone to love me and that I love the rest wouldn’t matter. But it is not just one thing, one person that makes us happy, I learned that, it is all the little things around it, that we never paid attention to.
A few months ago I got an unexpected gift, in the most unexpected moment, and that made me recalculate all my believes. Go back to basics and keep it all straight and simple, like a line witch learns to curve between two points, I learned more about my self and then fireworks started shooting from the sky. Compromises are good but depends what and how much you are compromising because you might end up compromising your self.
I am grateful now, everyday because I know who I am, and where I want to be one day, and the only person responsible for my happiness, my sadness, my every emotion is me. And the princes got on her horse and ridden off to new adventures places, if one day she will meet a prince that prince that will know how to love her, as she will know how to love him, so be it , in any case the princes will try to be very happy …

starting over with a smile

What a crazy year 2008 was with more up's and down's then ever before but I am happy for this year, a regular roller coaster, it showed me how much I can do and tested my strength, my mind, my heart and my soul.
I think I will never forget this year because it changed me so much. I graduated and my teachers, ex teachers when they meet me they call me Miss Economist :) , witch I find extremely cool. And also 2008 brought new people into my life that taught me so much and that were there for me on top of all my very old friends and that made 2008 special. Most of them probably I will never see, some I have a feeling I will see again one day but I was so luck to have meet them.
Now 2009 kicked off and I got a new job on Carnival Cruise line as a Administrative Hotel Coordinator, and I am so looking forward to see to what new magical, especially worm I hope , place it will bring me.
In 2 weeks I am going to England for a few days and in the mean time I am waiting still for my embarkation date and place :) .
In the mean time I totally and completely hate my job, more then any other job I had before and I can't wait to see the day I will quite it, this time I will not even look back :) sounds horribile I know but I am used to do what I love , not something I hate , so Carnival here I come !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!